Day of what?

Weekdays off are such a mixed blessing.  I like having a day free, of course.  I have yet to dress for the day – or rather I’ve dressed for the day, if you count pajama pants and my “Dive Belize” t-shirt.  I’ve watched “There’s Something About Mary” and paid attention to the cat.  I’ve even washed dishes, and done some online work I’ve been putting off. 

I made lunch.  it was a PBJ.  My mother in law makes great J.

Something in me is broken, I think.  No matter how relaxing a day off is, how much fun I have, or how much I need the rest, I almost always suffer guilt for not “doing something” with every minute.  Sometimes a little guilt, sometimes a lot, but there’s a “what did you do with your day” staring back from the mirror at me, just about every time I take a break from the (admittedly self imposed) have-to-do’s.

Even knowing that it’s a beautiful day outside and I have yet to put on outside-pants gives me a twinge of conscience.

All work and no play, and all that, yes of course.  I play.  I watch movies, I toy with Facebook, I have my PlayStation.  Then I stay up till three or four in the morning, sometimes, to do the things I said I was committed to doing that day.

I wonder sometimes if I just take on too much, and then reach  a threshhold of stress where Facebook and a DVD are my only recourse.  I may be doomed to a life of just-a-bit-behind-ness, as I take necessary breaks from the huge commitments I’ve taken on in life.

What am I talking about?  I wait tables.  I write when I make time to.  I keep my house fairly clean and keep two cats fed.  I’m a good husband.  Not that any of these things are meaningless, but I’m not exactly Gandhi or the blue-ribbon king of multitasking.

This is one of those questions whose answer changes day by day.

I’m doing good work today, as long as you don’t describe ‘good work’ solely as Going Outside or Getting a Lot of Writing Done.  Heck – I’m blogging for the first time in better than a week, so what am I so up-on-myself about?

I really can’t even remember.

I’ll feel better after a shower.

~ by joshkauffman on September 2, 2009.